A Heated Quarrel Among Friends

Greetings readers. I felt the need to lighten the aura of this blog, and therefore decided to post this story. The following story is completely true. The names have not been changed because no participants are innocent. As a brief introduction, you should know that the college I attended often had game nights and activities where “sexual paraphernalia” was given away as prizes. I personally think it is terrible to do so, they are not promoting safe sex, they are only promoting lots of sex. Anyway, the dorm I was staying in had a casino night and gave away such prizes, but I chose to play a bit because I like casinos. It is also important to note that at the end of the events described below, my good friend Bill Reese was fake crying to our RA and asked to have the events written up to teach the other participants a lesson. The RA was too lazy and said Bill could write it up himself. Bill, Matt Anspach, and I wrote the following citation and it went through the same process any other citation would go through. The Resident Director had to sign off on it, and it was even discussed at a Director’s meeting with all the RA’s on campus. Enjoy:

The dilemma at hand involves resident Matt Anspach, resident William Reese, and resident Zack Bogaczyk. Upon returning from a rousing session of “Condom Casino” resident Bogaczyk took it upon himself to apply some of the sexual lubricant he had won to resident Anspach’s door knob. Resident Bogaczyk left for some time, meanwhile, resident Anspach returned to find his recently lubricated door knob. In a fit of rage, he banged on resident Reese’s door in suspicion that he was the guilty party, then discovered the truth and decided to make his dreadful revenge on resident Bogaczyk’s door with some of the sexual lubricant he won while playing condom casino. When resident Bogaczyk returned to his dormitory, he was less than pleased to soon find his hand dripping with tropical punch flavored sexual lubricant. Despite the mild discomfort of his lubed hand, he skipped washing his hand and walked down to resident Anspach’s dormitory to confront him in an unpleasant conversation. The two engaged in a distasteful quarrel that lasted for quite some time. The quarrel consisted of many threats involving the notion of resident Bogaczyk rigging a Dixie cup filled with sexual lubricant over resident Anspach’s door. As the quarrel heated up into an all out squabble, many other residents came into the hallway to find out what was going on. Among these residents was resident Reese who had some of his own words to add to the conversation. The argument reached catastrophic heights as Residents Bogaczyk and Reese threatened the life of resident Anspach by way of drowning in sexual lubricant.

Upon the conclusion of the squabble, resident Bogaczyk decided to take a shower to cool down his fury. Meanwhile resident Anspach, fueled by his resentment, decided to “get even” with resident Bogaczyk for his senseless threats. He then filled a bucket with cold water and Gatorade powder and entered the shower section of the bathroom to throw it on to resident Bogaczyk. He actually pitched the Gatorade concoction on resident Bogaczyk twice, nay, thrice times. Not only did this make resident Bogaczyk’s blood boil with rage, he was taking a very warm shower, and was suddenly consumed by cold liquid. This caused resident Bogaczyk to be very concerned with his health. Though the simpleminded prank may have caused some good laughs on the throwers mind, it was at the expense of resident Bogaczyk who now stood exposed in a shower stall as other residents gazed and cackled at his naked blue Smurf-like body. Resident Reese stood only as a witness to this malicious act, though he wanted to stop resident Anspach, he was too controlled by the peer pressure to do anything about it. The residents had a little more than 25 minutes to cool their anger as resident Bogaczyk was rigorously trying to wash his skin back to its normal color. Resident Bogaczyk then returned to his dormitory to put on some shorts and take some time to reflect on the happenings of the evening.

Resident Reese then entered to comfort resident Bogaczyk after his public mortification. Meanwhile, resident Anspach deviously conspired with resident Austin Kerstetter to enter the dormitories of residents Bogaczyk and Reese to steal their winnings from Condom Casino in order to prevent the residents from getting their revenge the next morning with the vast supply of remaining sexual lubricant. Residents Bogaczyk and Reese were startled by the ruckus of resident Anspach sprinting down the hallway with the contraband consisting of 36 condoms of various flavors, a multitude of sexual lubricants and an assortment of delectable candy. Resident Bogaczyk was now exasperated after the squabble, the public mortification, and the pilfering of the contraband. Resident Reese returned to his dormitory, while resident Bogaczyk tried to devise a plan to get even with the schemers.

Resident Bogaczyk decided to take immediate action, and made a sign that pronounced “a plague on both your houses” to hang on resident Anspach’s door. He also dangled a condom by some dental floss in front of the door. Resident Anspach heard the activities going on in the outer surface his dormitory, and exited to confront resident Bogaczyk. Resident Reese also sauntered down the hall to partake in the newly developing skirmish. During this skirmish (which took place at 10:03 pm) resident Anspach threatened the lives of residents Reese and Bogaczyk. He claimed that he would “murder” them and “throw them out the window.” This distressed residents Reese and Bogaczyk to the point of looking for chancellors to aid in the matter. It was at that time that resident assistant David Daku entered the hall and took control of the situation. He suggested that the residents go into his dormitory to discuss the matter. He calmed the situation, and suggested that violence and revenge is not the answer to their troubles, and that the residents just sleep it off.

Though it is uncertain that this is the first time a situation such as this has occurred from a mindless session of Condom Casino, it is assured that this will not be the last. It’s undoubtedly apparent that the repercussions of this evening will echo through William North Hall for years to come. It is important, nay, essential that Lock Haven University revises its dormitory rules to include the banning of the senseless distribution of elicit sexual paraphernalia such as condoms and flavored sexual lubricants. Residents Reese, Anspach, and Bogaczyk believe that the implication of this rule is imperative for the prevention of such an outlandish situation from occurring again.