Regain Consciousness

The past two weeks have been fairly uneventful and left me with little to talk about, however Liz insists that I make posts, so I’ll see what I can do.

I was going to make a post at the end of last week when I was close to mental breakdown, but I spent about an hour of my work day thinking about what to title it, so I decided not to write at all. I must say that life is going fairly well lately. I am surviving as smooth as ever, but it got to me last week. My job disdain sometimes takes me to nearly epic lethargy. The best part of my day is getting home for work, I know I have to whole evening ahead of me and can forget about work. If I have nothing planned, or I’m too tired to do anything, I just sit around and get grumpy. As time passes by I realize it is getting closer to bed time which means that I am getting too close to having to wake up and go back to work. Sometimes I get so tired, but don’t want to go to bed because it simply means I have given up on that day and would rather sleep and go to work. I stay up too late for the only reason of trying to postpone work. Last week I had one of these nights and woke up so tired that I just didn’t care at all to go to work. I didn’t care about my job and certainly not the projects I was involved in. I slept in much too late, but didn’t rush to make up for it. I moved as slowly as I could because I was so lethargic. This of course was annoying to Liz because though she also dislikes her job, she at least makes an effort to be on time. She was annoyed and I was lethargic, and there was no happiness in the Bogaczyk household.

Liz had to leave a few minutes early that day, so I said bye to her and just sat down on the couch and starred at the wall for nearly 20 minutes. Since I was already late for work, I figured I should try to do something productive, so I read a few pages of a book that I’ve been reading. I strolled into work about 45 mins late, did very little in the morning and took over a 1.5 hour lunch break. To be honest, I could have been fired that day and didn’t care. However, what may be even worse, no one noticed at all.

I am dull + I am not noticeable + I am bored + I don’t care + I am surprisingly overweight = I am surviving life... Barely.

THIS IS NOT ME!

Relient K has a song on their MMHMM album titled “Who I Am Hates Who I’ve Been.” This is a simple song about repenting of past misdeeds and declaring to never become that way again. I wish I were in that state, however I am plagued by a much more complex issue: Who I’ve BEEN Hates Who I AM.

I’m not completely sure what has happened in my life to bring me to this state. It certainly isn’t married life because Liz is just about the only stable thing that brings me a breath of life. I survive the rest of my time when I’m not with her and try my best to not have the survival mentality overflow into my time with her, but I normally fail at that. I am mostly convinced that it is my job, but it is probably something deeper than that. Liz had an epiphany a couple weeks ago and told me that my relationship with Christ has declined severely and that separation may be causing me to feel this way. Since then I am glad to say that God has blessed me with consistent daily devotionals. I am joyful for that time and it helps a bit, but it still didn’t hit the nail on the head. I thought I would feel better if I got back in shape. I’ve been running at least 4 times a week for the past 2 months and the only difference is that I have physical pain on top of my mental anguish.

I am at a loss. I’m not sure what to do to get back to the guy I used to be. I miss me, I can tell others miss me, and I know Liz misses me too. I hope that it is my job sucking life out of me. I did just apply for a few new positions that I would be enormously happy to get. My greatest worry is that I get one of those jobs and I still feel like I am only surviving life. Then I will really feel lost. Either way, I need to change something that will hopefully solve the problem and help me to regain consciousness.